Sometimes I just can’t even believe how angry my little toddler/preschooler can make me.

He pushes my buttons more than anyone ever has in my life, and as much joy as he brings me every day… he also brings out the absolute worst in me.

I really never thought I had a problem with anger, or losing my temper, until Bjørn came along.

He is fiery, passionate, emotional, more stubborn than I am… if that’s even possible… and now he is 3. Terrible 2’s were nothing compared to this…

Seriously. Whoever coined the term “the terrible twos” obviously did not have a 3 year old yet.

I was unprepared for this experience and totally overcome.

Somedays I just want to run away.

Sometimes I want to disappear and come back when my little 3 year old is older and not so difficult. When he is potty-trained and sleeping regularly and listening at least some of the time…

Sometimes I just feel lost.

Yes… most days, I think we are doing pretty good if we are all still alive and breathing at the end of the day! (Bonus points if one or all of us is not in tears by that point!)

Sometimes I look at my little handful angel and my heart just aches with so much love I can hardly breathe. But other times I look at him and the world turns red!

Then I look at my sweet little baby Haakon (who’s not so much of a baby these days!) and can’t imagine that I will ever feel this frustrated with him. And of course I realize that he will also be 3 someday! And the cycle will start all over again.

Is it difficult? Yes. Painful?? Yes! Necessary?! Absolutely!

See, the thing is… I really believe, as painful as it is sometimes (ok, most of the time), that God gives us the children we have to refine us.

The same ones who bring out the worst in us are also the ones who can help us find that place of wanting and trying to better ourselves.

They expose our worst traits and our deepest fears leaving us with no choice but to deal with the pain instead of stuffing it away.

Do I like seeing my demons surface? Do I like feeling out of control… so full of anger and frustration that I can’t even think straight??

Of course not!

But I do like knowing that these things exist inside of me, so that I can work on them now instead of 30 years from now.

It breaks my heart that Bjørn, my firstborn, has to bear the brunt of my pain, frustration, refining and learning… but I pray every day that we will make it through this as a team, and that we will both be stronger people at the end.

All I can do is take things one moment at at time… and pray for strength constantly!

I can tell you one thing for sure though… I am getting pretty good at apologizing when I screw up.

And thankfully, Bjørn is great at forgiving and forgetting! (Something I definitely need to work on better myself!)

…to one of the sweetest questions ever: “Mommy will you read this book to me?… Can I sit on your lap??”

I finally have a little boy (3 year old Bjørn!) who wants me to read to him!

You have no idea how long I have waited for this.

I am a reader.

I love books so much… cookbooks, biographies, novels… anything that captures my spirit. I would read all day, every day if I could!

One of my all-time favorite things to do? Go to a cute coffee shop with a great book and curl up in a cozy chair to read for hours with a fun drink. Not that I’ve done that in the last 3 years, but still…

I have always dreamed that my kids would love to read as much as I do, and that we would be able to enjoy cuddling together and reading on a regular basis.

(And maybe even sitting in a coffee shop together, sharing hot beverages and book-time!)

Up until now, that dream has seemed very far-fetched.

Bjørn has never really cared two-bits about books, but finally in the last few weeks he has started coming to me asking to read books to him.

Yes, sometimes the same book about Cookie Monster, over and over again for an hour…

But you know what? I love it!! I love reading together, even if it is the same annoying book over and over.

Even if there are other things I want or need to be doing.

Even if I would rather just have a little space to not feel so claustrophobic.

This is just the beginning, and I love it all.

And I am making a promise to myself, in front of you, to always try to say “Yes!” to “Mommy? Will you read me a book??”…

I want my kids to love reading as much as I do and saying Yes to them when they ask is the first step in our hopefully long journey of book-love together!